Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Something is Amiss

Christmas is five days away, and I don't know if it's possible for me to feel any less of the holiday spirit than I do now.

I have never really had problems with getting into the holidays. I've always loved all the hoopla and hustle and bustle and nostalgia and warmth. But this year, something feels terribly hollow and void. I feel like Christmas could come and go with absolutely no recognition and I wouldn't miss a thing. This makes me sad. I don't know what's wrong. I feel like completely breaking down but my eyes won't even start to tear up.

When I was nine years old, my grandmother died a week short of Christmas. She was the reason I had such a happy, spoiled childhood. Christmas was always my favorite time of the year, and she was the one who made it magical. We tried to keep it going without her, but it just wasn't the same. It's this time of year I miss her most. I wish she was here. I wish that a lot of the time, really.

Anyway, this isn't a post about my dead grandmother. I'm just trying to get past this terribly empty feeling. It has a lot to do with my financial situation (shitty) and the state of the world (even shittier). It can also be attributed to the weather (unseasonably, annoyingly warm) and my medication (sometimes makes me feel kind of numb). I don't even want much for Christmas - it's been the first year I didn't actually make a list. But if I were to make one, make an honest list of what I'd want if anything were possible, this would be it:

freedom from debt and bills
the ability to feel happy again
my grandmother (but not as a zombie)
eradication of my bodily hangups
a studio full of windows
social welfare reform
a new digital camera
perfect eyesight
more patience
a bicycle
scrabble
a cello
a cat

6 comments:

Timmy said...

awww Gigi! I can totally relate. I lost my Grandma last year. She truly was the only reason I loved Christmas too. Hang in there kiddo! ((HUGS))

ads510 said...

i feel ya on not being in the christmas spirit this year. I just don't know what it is. We are super excited that we will have a baby soon, but at the same time, we're completely overwhelmed with trying to get everything ready that we haven't had time to spend with just us...

aughra said...

Wow, it is almost identical to what mine would be. But I already bought perfect eyesight five years ago, when I got Lasik.

I would also ask for my father to get his ass in gear and move so we could be in his house for new years.

Hang in there, darling.

Nick said...

I can get you the scrabble and the bike. I'm working with a couple of guys to get you social welfare reform also but they're dragging their butts.

SFChick74 said...

The money issue really brings things down. I feel your pain. I have $60 to my name until mid-Jan.

Maybe we can write a NASCAR romance novel for some extra cash...

indygirl said...

It's pretty amazing how your list randomly formed into that shape.